Laurel and Harding

As pressure mounts on a track and trace system even Royal Mail would be embarrassed by, bad news continues to seep out of the sticky fetid mess caused by the chummy Baroness, Diana Mary “Dido” Harding. We’ve known for weeks that insiders are referring to her matronship and her male sidekick, Mike “Little Deuce” Coupe of Sainsbury’s, the food retailer who can’t even avoid job losses when demand for food eaten at home is through the roof, as Laurel and Harding.

Did you know, however, that they are using the unlikely expert services of a credit scoring agency to determine your identity when considering whether to extend the privilege of a test-at-home Coronavirus kit? It’s not even one of the leading providers, but an unknown player known as TransUnion.

You can bet that whatever TransUnion are experts in, fighting a pandemic isn’t one of them. It’s like using a bicycle to install a shelf. If only Boris could bring some of his finely honed satirical skills to his own cronies, we might be in a better position than we are.

In other news, the admission by Denmark that they are still farming up to 17 million mink for their fur has stunned the western world. Did the EU know about this? Who are we to criticise the unfortunate Wuhonians for daring to sell wet seafood? Well it’s all come home to roost now. Denmark are alone in Europe in having successfully mutated the structure of the virus into a new form which will defeat all the vaccines currently in development. In plain English this means there is a new Coronavirus about to spread through Denmark, Germany, and the rest of Schengen, before we have even defeated COVID-19. Trebles all round!